searching for the ghost of Bob Stiens

Georgianna Stiens…there is sat looking back at me on the computer screen, I was not sure what to feel. I knew my father was married before he married my mom, but there was the name on the hamilton county index. She died on April 7, 2008. So? what I am trying to process is that she never remarried. That she died a Stiens.

The fact that my father had a life before he married my mom is intriging to me. It creates a void in my soul. I want to know everything now. When did the get marrried? when did they get divorced? why? So many Questions i have, i don t even know where to start.

My father died when i was 9, leaving a huge void in my life. I fill my waking hours thinking about him, What was he like? what were his hopes  dreams fears? oh how i wish i could have one conversation with him. Now we throw the whole other life into the mix. Now i think about trying to find out how my dad went from her to my mom.

She had a son, his name is mike, he was with my dad from the time he was 8 until 18, the years i missed, the formative years of a young mans life. I called him last night to see if i could get anything, pictures, dates, answers. He is a nice man, he is 65..wow, itt was weird talking with someone who knew my dad as a child and grew up with him. He got to be with my grandparents, aunts and uncles. I had so many questions but kept it general for a first phone call. I hope to hear from him soon, maybe with pictures and dates.

So am i chasing ghosts? maybe, but i am huanted about my dad..I have his name, we have the same birthday and i can not escape the fact tha i drive by his resting place every day. Evverything i have heard about my dad has been about how great he was or how he wanted the best of everything, but i know he wasnt perfect, he had flaws i am sure of it. but i can t get anyone to be honest with me and tell me the things i want to learn. I need to know the man..

I get alot of mixed reaction about my feelings on this. some say why do i care? it is personal to me. I miss him and long to know him. I would give anything to peer into the 1950′s and see what he was like. to find out everthing. I know it can t happen but it is a dream. My wife said to me that people in my family didn ththink it concerned me and that is why i wasn t told. But it shaped who he was, he had a life!!! and Damnit i want in. I haven t really slept since last night i keeping checking my email hoping to hear from mike. I added georgianna to my family tree. it felt right it felt like she should be remember as my dads wife. sometimes i think i want to think my dad was her true love and that is why she didn t remarry, but i ll never know, that the fact that she died a few years ago makes wish i had found out sooner, yes i would have gone and seen her. you god damn right i would have. For years i have said if i ever get ot heaven and meet my dad, the ifrst question i ll ask him is, what the hell where you thinking when  you married mom!! i know she is my mom, but i ll just say she wasn t the beauty that he had. and she isn t exactly sane.  and the fact thAT that she blew the money in 5 years,,well you were right dad.

I have alot going threw my head..

the day….my version

February 18, 2001…this was the day Dale Earnhardt died. The 10th anniversary is coming up this week and you are seeing and reading alot about this. I was there that day. i was about 200 yards from where the car came to rest after the crash.  After watching The Day on speed I thought i would share my day.

 The morning of the 18th started early, 3 am to be exact. I was in Orlando getting ready to go to my first Daytona 500, I was with my friends Rob kaiser and Steve Journey.  I was very excited since Dale Earnhardt had won Talladega the previous fall in exciting fashion and finished 2nd in the points, the feeling big Rob and I had was that 2001 was our year. We left the hotel about 4 am or so and headed to the track, I was so ready for the day that I didn t need a wake up Pepsi lol! I had been to the Daytona track before, i went to the Pepsi 400 the prior three years, but this was my first shot at the superbowl of racing.  We arrived at the track and park in front of mall, which would be would be our normal spot for the next 8 races, We then began the tradition of eating at the buffet in front of mall. After chowing down a ton of bacon and biscuits we did the walk around the track and haulers. Big Rob and I were huge DAle Sr fans so we went to his hauler, this is were i made a funny statement about a hat on the trailer, I looked at Rob and said that is the ugliest hat i have ever seen. Whats funny about that? Well the next weekend at Rockingham that hat was the Tribute hat to Dale, lol , I guess they had plenty.

 The excitement was building as we walked towards the grandstand, We then went to Daytona USA, where we got our picture taken. We walked into the track and the weather was perfect. We sat at our seats and talked about what we loved, racing! big Rob and I were making plans on going to Talladega to see Dale break the Ironman streak for most consecutive starts. We were seated at the end of pit road so we could only see the pre race on the big screens. 

We then heard the words we had been waiting for..’GENTLEMAN…START YOUR ENGINES!!!”  Man what a feeling to be at the biggest race of the year, the race started out at a furious pace and it didn t take long for Dale sr to get to the front, I was so excited. The race i can actually say was the best Daytona race I went to, lots of action, even got saw Dale tell Kurt Busch he was Number 1!! The came the big one on the back stretch it took out a bunch of cars, Tony Stewart was bounce all over the place, all we worried about was whether dale made it though, he did.  They red flagged the race, it was quite exciting Michael Waltrip was leading, he was driving for Dale and had never won a points race before, Jr was in second and Dale sr was in third. The next 20 laps I saw something I had never seen before, Dale was blocking for his two cars, I was sure he wanted to win another 500, but it looked like he wanted to finish third.

The last lap, we were glued to the track this was awesome, Mikey was going to win if he came out of turn 4, then it happen, I saw it and i felt panic, Dale was tagged by the 40 car, he turn right and went into the wall, Hard! I watch Mikey cross the line we high fived each other, Steve Journey was doing his HA ha ha rusty is higher in the points chant, but Big rob and I were focused on the smoking black 3 car sitting in the grass. Dale had been in wrecks before, but he was superman and he was going to get out to celebrate the big win by DEI!! Ken Schrader walked over to the car and that’s when i knew something was wrong he waved the emergency crews over like it was bad..It was.  We sat there waiting to see what was going on, Big Rob was growing tired of steves chant and told him to shut up and let’s make sure dale gets out..We saw the 31 car of mike skinner pull up and get out to check on Dale, after a few Minutes he drove by and gave us all the thumbs up, Whew we thought, i said maybe he broke his leg or something or just got the wind knocked out of him, we never thought for a second that he died, hell skinner gave us the thumbs up. we decided to leave and head back to Orlando, we were tired and happy that Mikey had won, and we thought dale was ok, I told big rob man i hope he can get in the car next week at Rockingham, he said yes we need to get that streak extended.

the drive back was filled with chat about what a great day it was, we had the radio on to try to catch what might be wrong with dale, then at 630 pm the word hit, dale was gone..Steve was the first to say oh nooo, I sat there in silence, I was in shock,  the next 3o miles were a blur, we sat in silence, the trip no longer a good one, i had lost my hero. We got to the hotel and walked slowly to the room, other fans were there crying and hugging, it was surreal to say the least. I held it together for a while, then i called Lisa and i became a big heap of crybaby, I bawled like i had never bawled before, my poor wife didn t know what to say, she knew i was a huge Dale guy, heck my daughter is named Taylor Nicole after his daughter. I couldn t believe what was happening, i was numb, after about 30 mins i went back into the room Big room was laying down watching tv, steve was staring out the window, I sat down and said we should eat..why? I don t know, but it was something. I didn t sleep that night, for some reason  I feared what the would happen to racing,  I never wanted to watch it again, I also remember feeling like I had lost my dad all over again, I later learn in therapy that my flowing of tears may have been my grieving over my dad since i never cried over him before, i was only 9 when he died, so it was repressed sadness i guess.

the next morning we got up to leave still silent, we got the airport we all had different flights, we hugged goodbye like we were at a funeral…i had only Dale sr Goodwrench Stuff on, A big lambskin leather coat, people looked at me and felt sorry for me, i guess it showed how shook up i was..

The greatest race I ever saw was the race that took my hero, Rob and i  always said we were going to be at dales last race. I just didn t expect it to be before he was ready..

the labor day story….oh to end the b.s.

ok so it is nice to have my computer back..so here is my first blog in a long while..

so another labor day has come and gone. i can t help but think about my yearly dump on rob sessions that happens every year at the st pats festival.. After hearing about this for the 20th year in a row i decide to finally speak out and tell my side to this sad but true tale that is  the Rob and Missy saga>

  as you know 25 years ago i was with missy huber we were together for about 6 years. We had 2 children Cassy and Chris. Now as many people would like to believe that i left missy at the altar and abandon her and the kids. this is a false truth. I am going to set the record straight once and for all by telling the whole story.

 Missy was my first love. We had a hard time being together because of her parents and my crazy mother. but we were in love for a long time. Missy became pregnant in may of 1986 and had Cassy in January 1987. Now it was shocking because of her age she was 15 i was 18 and the whole town was a buzz of the news. Now i wanted nothing more than to marry her and begin our life. But there was a problem Her mom didnt want us together so we kept our love going. It was mentally draining on me to say the least. I decided to join the navy so i could support her and Cassy thinking that once I was settled into somewhere she could come be with me. One major problem was that i was deaf in my left ear. But i was bound to make this work and somehow managed to “sneak” into the navy. once there though i failed the test and was sent to a holding unit..This is where i made the first of many choices that could have affected my life if i went the other way. I found out in december that missy was pregnant again. I was happy until I found out from my sister that she was seen out with frank south on dates. Now i could have stayed in the navy with a waiver or go home. I decided i needed to be home with my girl and make sure i wasn’t going to lose her. I cam home to a freaking mess with missy seeing two or three guys. i was beyond crushed.

But the minute i started to see someone, missy was at her door telling her to stay away from her man. i was then told by missy it was part of her plan to throw her parents off..stupid me part 1! I then was told to get an apartment and an ad with the furniture i was to buy. Well i went to work at making this possible. I got a good job at burger king, I was the a manager and work odd jobs with dave gilkerson. every dime went to buying the things she wanted. I remember calling dave and saying she coming..only to be spurned.  Dave laughed at me a lot because he knew she was playing me.

Then came the court papers saying i was being sued for support. I thought this is odd why would she get me to pay support if we were going to get married. Stupid me part 2. I had been giving her money as well as my mom giving them a lot of money but they wanted it thru the courts. Ok no big deal she said it will be for a little while. Then came the day she gradutated I figured she was moving in the next day. But she didn’t i was stunned. Then came the first big shock of my life she bought that berrata rs. WTF i was thinking. how can she think we can afford this with trying to start a family and move out. Guess what rob she wasn t coming!!!!

Now this is the part of the story that things get messy. lots of anger hurt feelings and fights.  I gave up the apartment in amelia and moved home. I was a broken man. But missy was still my girl and she let everybody know it. Finally she called one day and told me to meet her in milford. We got and apratment and she even signed the lease. Oh boy was in heaven. After all these years I was finally going to have my family!!! I called missy house to get some info and her mom started in on me I was playful and let her get mad not thinking anything about it becasue missy was coming to be mine. I went to work and was in a heaven. for when i got home, my missy and and my kids would be waiting for me. Well what happen next has affected me everyday for the rest of my life. I drove into the lot and there was missy and her mom. Oh shit this can t be good. I got out of my car and missy was pissed. she said give me the key to the apartment. I was like you have one..she said no i want yours we are not moving in here You hurt my mom feelings today. And i can t be with you. As I stood there in total shock i’ll never forget that look on missy moms face. it was the devil looking at me and smiling. I grabbed missy and was yelling what are you doing to me. I ve waited for so long for this she was like let me go. its over. I stood there and didn t move for awhile. she left and my world did too.

 Now what many don t know is that I put the deposit and rent down on the apartment. guess who kept it? i went home not knowing whether to blow my brains out or let out a sigh of relief. I did neither. the next two days were a blur i was numb. then came more shocking news. A friend had called saying missy was out with eddie coleman. I wanted to die. I was so mad i went to her house and demanded to see her her dad came out and words led to fists and that when i figured out after all these years of being afraid of joe huber he was not so tough and i got the arrest sheet to prove it lol.. this lead to what has to be the most bullshit statement i have ever dealt with. missy and i argued over money. she wanted more i had none. She was out every night and her mom was taking care of the kids. So in a fit of rage i told missy..Hey missy if you don t want me and you don t want to be with those kids sell them so you get all the fucking money you want. This statement ahs been twisted by her beyond belief. Let me say before god and all of you that i never ever wanted to sell my kids. I love them always have always will. But sometimes the mind says things it shouldn t. That was clearly one of those things. But i was hurt I had lost everything and she was out enjoying life and flipping me the bird the whole way. We went to court where I learnt she was serving two masters. telling her parents what they wanted to hear and me what i wanted to hear. Her mom stated that i stalked her(missy) and she wanted nothing to do with me. My sister then got up and and said wait a minute. Missy calls our house all the time and demands rob do this and do that. and she looked at missy and said I ll be damned if i gonna sit here and let you lie. The judge then ask missy if this was true. and missy said yes. she had been caught in lies. but somehow i was still the loser. I made up my mind right then that i was out of there. I packed up my things and went to california. I needed a new start a new life. It was there that i discovered life without missy wasn t all bad. I met some wonderful people who took me in to a house on the beach. I worked at dealership in bellflower Ca. (side note. i worked for Bob Gordon whose son i would later become a big fan of. you figure it out) renting jeeps to lots of folks..I rented one to alex van halen!!! I was dating a beach blond holy crap life was great!!!  I didn t have a car. I bought a racing ten speed and rode for miles everyday. I was living the dream. then came the call, stupid me part 3. Missy called me saying she missed me and the time apart got her thinking about how much she loved me and wanted me home. Boy was a sucker. I packed everything up in an hour and headed home to Ohio , thinking that missy and I were going to get back together and life was going to be great..so I got home and got arrested for not paying child support. lol She was good..she got me back. but the sad things was that my mom had been paying her the whole time but because it was not though the courts it meant nothing. so we settle that mess. and i was back to square one. missy and I did see each other for flings in the hotel . but she had already made up her mind i was not in her future plans.

So i decide to move on with my life since she was. I met a girl her name was Barbie. She was nice and had a young daughter. I picked up my kids on Saturday and we all went tot he park it was a great day and we all had fun. Little did i know that would be the last time i ever saw my kids. I got a call from a pissed off missy. she didn t want our kids around my whores. I was like but you can have them around your men. It was then she started her plan to remove me from her life.

I lost my job due to plant closure in 1990.  I then went back to school, trying to make something of my self. I paid support when i could. but trying to goto school full time and work full time wasn t working out. In march of 1991 an event happen that would change my life for ever. On march 12 `1991 i woke up from a nap. I had lost my hearing completely. I went to the hospital. But they said i had fluid on my ears. After two weeks nothing. I was finally put on the table and had a quick surgery they found nothing. for the next six month i lived in a personal hell. i couldn t hear i couldn t work i couldn t even drive. Now most people would have thought well this is serious. Not missy she didn t care.  I went to court where i learnt that having a disability didn t matter to  the child support people. I was staring at jail time. I didn t care about that but i couldnt be with out my meds or therapy. The prosecutor then came up to me and ask me to sign a paper> now i couldn t hear her or understand her. But what i got out of the the conversation was that if i sign this paper missy wouldn t pursue back pay and that things would be ok. She wanted to move to Dayton and i had to allow it. I sign the papers thinking ok Dayton I ll work on getting better then pay up and work on seeing the kids. What i signed was a paper giving up my rights to the kids. I found this out three days later. I have never in my life felt as bad as i did at that moment. I cried for three days of a broken heart and wonder why god had taken everything from me..my hearing my kids and my life. I decided i was going to fight but it was too late missy had packed up and moved. she went to Pennsylvania. but i wasn t allow to know where she was. for a good reason. steve was going to adopt the kids and i had to be gone. and for 2 years i looked but had no clue where to find them. after the adoption was final i got a card from missy showing the four of them …with steve missy Cassy and Chris young..the young was underlined several times..i wanted to die. i lost them forever.

Now bottom line. I should have done whatever it took to make sure that i was current on child support. I should have gotten a lawyer to help me. But it is all in the past and i can t change it. But i am not the monster that missy makes me out to be. I was played, i was lied to.  But i was irresponsible. I should have done things better and i know this. But in the end there are no winners only losers. My kids have reached out to me only to be rebuffed my missy. But who knows maybe one day i have my day ..till then please remember there is two sides to every story…

ramble ramble

so i am tired this morning. I am excited that i have someone coming to clean my house today to surprise my wife..(who is overworked and under appreciated.) I just hope we are not that bad of pigs lol..is it work to clean before the house cleaner gets here.lol.

My sister and I have been talking alot lately about the state of the benton family. We both are trouble about why we are not well recieved there. So we talked about what we thought were the root of the problems and decided that we are going to have a sit down meeting and try to clear the air. The one thing i ll say about my sister when she has a purpose watch out. So we will see if this ever happens.

I was very excited to find out that i was hand-picked by my bosses for the job I am in now. I think i was impressive yesterday of my stocking of the plant and my plans for keeping things going. I did have a rough spot yesterday dropping a skid of water bottles..ahh nothing like picking up a 1000 bottles of water to make your day happy happy. I am losing weight though. I am not snacking all day and drinking 100 Oz of pop. so i can feel a change. I think so far I ll like this but will hold out any thoughts till i m in a routine.

I can t believe it is July already wow this year is flying by. This is my wedding month so i always try to think of ways to celebrate my marriage to Lisa. this will be 16 years> woo. We have brooks and dunn tickets the night of the anniversary so that will be awesome. then we are going to see bon jovi the following weekend.

that’s all for now i have a good topic for tomorrow but want to think on it some more

family or lack thereof

i got a call yesterday afternoon from my sister saying that one of my cousins was in the hospital. i guess she had a major surgrey and called for all family to come and say goodbye.  the calls went out a 6 in the morning i got called at 2 in the afternoon. i was very angry at this.. My mom called an left me a voice mail saying that all my cousins and uncles were there…WOW..the same people who blew off my sons party..the same people who made sure they all attened a goodbye party for a close friend of the family the same distance away from my house..yet here i am not even being thought of as a family member again..

i m very hurt by this..growing up i had a terrible childhood at best. My father died when i was nine and my mother soon began her ins and outs of mental hospital stays. I was sent from house to house like a fruitcake at christmas. I was a week away from going to an state home until my uncle frank and irvin resuce my sister and I. I was around my moms family alot since they were close and we saw each other at every holiday. I love them very much..My grandmother died in 1987 and i think the family did too..we got together everyonce in a while. but i always jumped at the chance to hang with them. Now it is weddings and funerals..for me anyway..everyone else gets together all the time. hell they even go to tennesse every year. My wife says i wear my heart on my sleeve and get to angry at this. I am not so sure. what have i done to be an outcast. Maybe it was the fact that i called them out one year on not inviting my sister and I to an event. but that goes back to the original point, ”what did we do”. I call them all the time and never get a response. My cousin bill or kim may respond to borthday post but thats about it, geting them on the phone. forget it.  trying to even have lunch never.. 

So here i am this morning fuming mad over the family again..why do i let it bother me. Maybe it just a since of wanting to be with family and have good times. I teach my kids that family is the most important thaning we have and i think they see the pain i m in when it comes to my own family.  I try to make things normal around here and do lots with them hoping it pays off in the future and they don t abandon me like the rest..

the begining

well i decided to start putting all these thoughts in my head to paper so to speak and follow my friend marti into the world of blogs. I am a milkman so i have all day to think while i am out an about. i often think what would make a great blog blah blah..so today i decided to start!

Today i am feeling blah. I started my new job at the dairy yesterday with not the warmest of greetings. drivers coming t the plant side never go over well and i guess somebody had to lose their job> sorry. Anyway it was a long day and the guy who was training me offered little help. i think he wanted the job. But i will not let that get in my way. my start time is now 11 am instead of 2 am. my body got up at 5 thinking i way overslept but i quickly got over that. i hope day two of this job will go better.

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